Protoform Payback
by Lyra Harp
Summary: After Lillian Wescott insults half of Prime's army unintentionally, they all decide to pitch in to get payback. Even the humans! Just for future reference...never...ever...tell a communication's officer secrets. Better yet, don't even speak in front of one! This is what happens when you do! Now would someone mind telling me why the decepticons get involved? OC story
1. A-F

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Transformers_ (2007) or _Transformers_: _Generation_ _1_. The only song used in this chapter is Turn Around by Flo Rida.

The "music is the universal language" line is not mine...It's Blaster's. If I remember correctly he said it at the beginning of _Blaster Blues_ (episode 37 of _Transformers_: _Generation_ _1_).

_:Music:_

Remember this in chapter eight of _Preference, and Perseverance, in Life_?

"I appreciate your concern, Blaster," I said seriously. "But this is a serious situation. I don't care if Jazz is the one that hosts the parties on base or if Red Alert can run circles around any decepticon, your the only one who can deal with soundwave. The autobots need you and your upbeat attitude when everything goes to the dogs. And I'm not talking about Hound. Same goes for you, Jazz. Let me put it this way," I said when they both remained silent. "Music is the universal language. I don't care if Prowl and Mirage are silent and deadly, that base of yours need some tunes to update the mood. Once again, deadly wrenchs and pranks don't count. I'm saying that you all matter, and as much as death may sometimes be inevitable..."

The autobots on base turn Lillian's serious situation into a prank. "Get ready for a prank war in-!"

_:I_'_m_ _countin_' _down so turn around_

_5, 4, 3, 2, 1 _

_Gotta make that-:_

"_Blaster!_"

~0~

Situation A: "**A**sexual Rhythm"

Jazz played Trance and Nightcore while placing a spinning 'disco ball like' hologram projector in the middle of the ceiling. Some humans and holoforms immitated the pictures and acted like drunk people with very little else on their mind besides sex. I went up to the rafters to tear it down after an hour. I can handle somewhat inappropriate pictures. I don't mind if people grind on the dance floor or make out in front of me. It's the trying to include me part that drove me to a twitching mess.

Leo, Sam, Miles, Mikaela, Carly...When you meet Unicron...Call him Unicorn for me, nay, and make a motion with your body as if you were a bull about to charge. Laugh at _that_.

_:Everybody lookin_' _around like uh oh_

_Oh babe whatcha say?_

_Let_'_s play:_

Situation B: "**B**eat the femme senseless"

Prowl wouldn't stop poking me or freaking me out during meditation with his disappearing ninja skills.

Mirage stalked me for a month.

When I showed up at Red Alert's office twitching violently, he said four words (I know the feeling...) before knocking me out. I was not happy. Ratchet laughed. Jazz made me overload when I couldn't move. When I called him a jerk, he laughed. He then proceeded to freak out when I started crying because I couldn't feel anything afterward. Poor darling didn't touch me for two months. I actually had to go hug him for a change. He snuggled me for two hours. Prowl had to keep pointing a gun at me whenever I started becoming twitchy from being touched for so long. I hate that gun so much...

_:Winnin_' _a bet that can_'_t shut you down_

_Come embrace the way you makin_' _it sound:_

Situation C: "**C**alling all master DJ's (aka Dancing Jerks)"

Blaster played I'm sexy and I know it by Bad Touch and I'm too sexy by Right Said Fred _on repeat_. I had PMS that week. He ended up with several dents. He said it was worth it. Optimus is seriously considering banning music even though Galloway would be very happy with that discussion. Galloway still stays as far away from Bumblebee, Ironhide, and Optimus as possible. He lets me talk freely now. I always grin when I see him. I love my life.

_:Hello let_'_s go just know_

_I love the way you do it_

_How you take it to the floor:_

Situation D: "**D**irty purity"

Mirage took me on a 'field trip' to the wilderness. I thought I was safe...He left me with Hound. Hound placed me in mud and told me to stay still. He played 'who let the dogs out' during the torture. I couldn't stop twitching. I hate not being clean as much as Mirage. Hound took me to base and 'kindly' drove me to the washracks. Guess what I was bathed in? Orange soda. I tried getting them back by asking them what rhymed with orange. Hound said porridge. Mirage said door hinge. Damn it.

_:Show _'_em how you do it_

_Like yo ready for the flow_

_Baby you can do it fifty times in a row:_

Situation E: "**E**ject the warning system"

When at a meeting, Ratchet asked who started the prank a few months before. Everyone pointed at me. He gave me a lap dance later with a holoform in a locked med bay. I twitched, freaked out, and became mental. Prowl, Jazz and Mirage still can't figure out how I got up to the rafters without assistance. Bumblebee and Red Alert refuse to tell. I gave Bumblebee a good wash while he was in vehicle mode and left Red a card that said 'Spy's RS' on his desk. The Twins asked if they could share the equipment Red bought. Prowl tickled me for an hour straight for the trouble that caused. It was so worth it.

_:Them rows get ready for yo pose_

_Light, camera, action:_

Situation F: "**F**eathers belong in a **F**ire"

The Twins got me back once again by somehow attaching me to a wall. They hanged a sign over my head that said "Evil Femme. Torture with Caution." Every autobot and human got a feather. Sam, Leo, Mikaela, Miles, Carly have all met Unicron. The autobots brave enough have been pranked. The Twins are still in status. Ratchet thanked me for silence. I got a 'tickle free' pass for three months. I tickled Prowl while he was working as payback for the Spy RS incident. Hey, at least the Twins got the name right. Lillian Wescott is an evil femme that you do not want to mess with during a base wide prank war. Prowl still hasn't forgiven me. I still say I win.

_:Lose control_

_I love the way you do it _'_cause you do it so crazy:_

**Author's note:** I will continue with the whole alphabet. If you have any suggestions, please leave a review. You will be credited. Thank you for reading!


	2. G-L

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Transformers_ (2007) or _Transformers_: _Generation 1_.

~0~

**G**ears **G**arbage

I never thought that it would be possible for an autobot to be a hoarder, but...I'm not even sure if this even counted as a prank. It seemed more like dirty work to me. Gears asked me if I could help him clean his supply closet. I shrugged and followed him, figuring that it couldn't be that bad...until Gears opened the door and I saw Ravage and Steeljaw in the process of making kittens. The only supplies in the room were obviously for adults only. Gears locked me inside. When Blaster asked me later if I wanted any _milk_ with my_ meat_, I left the rec room to draw plans. Gears woke up in a dumpster outside base. When he was directed to the washracks, he was bathed in milk. When he asked me if I was behind it, I batted my eyelashes, tilted my head in an innocent manner and said, "don't make meow mad."

**H**old that Pose

I knew that Prowl could be loose when he wanted to be, but when I saw him and Barricade pose in a Charle's Angels pose on the battlefield, I wasn't sure whether to laugh, glitch, or check my central processor for damage. Instead, I commed Jazz. "Jazz, your mate has gone loco."

"How ya holdin' up with that intel?"

Soundwave finished the uniform pose as he took a shot at Starscream. "Soundwave!" Screamer screamed. "We're on the same side, you fool!"

"Action: Payback. Reason: Don't teach my cassette's how to prank Megatron with a metal pole and highgrade!"

"Quit whining. Your over-"

"Query: Have you seen Frenzy drunk? Realization: Laserbeak flew into a pole! Demand: Get back here! Punishment: I'll shove that pole-!"

My eye twitched. "Muy mal."

**I**ntel Tattletale

There are some things that no one needs to know. Like how Ravage and Steeljaw are bondmates or how Laserbeak likes to sit on Ramhorn. Then there are the things that no one ever needs to know...Ever. I can deal with Ravage and Steeljaw. I can deal with the Twins. Hell, I can even deal with Laserbeak and Ramhorn, even though that pairing makes no sense to me. But what I refuse to wrap my head around is that when Inferno and Ironhide have a "guy's night", they don't buy energon. I mean, sure, buy vintage highgrade off the black market. I don't care. I'm not going to drink the stuff. But when Red Alert told me, seemingly offhandedly, that they...I mean, sure, they blow stuff up. Everyone knows that. Inferno sets things on fire and Ironhide shoots things...but the fact that they...Let me put it this way. I sent them the picture with a message on the back.

_Inferno and Ironhide swinging on a tree_

_Being as sexy as they can be_

_If you blow me up_

_Guess_ _what_'_ll_ _be in my cup?_

_You and the tree_'_s poor ashes_

_So don_'_t hide your sorry-_

- _Next time you decide to use a tree as a pole, don_'_t burn the thing! _

Since I still wasn't satisfied with that, I asked Ratchet if he could lock them in a therapy session since I was "convinced they were on something." I feel bad for what I put Smokescreen through. They were in there for two minutes before the door was blasted open and the picture of them was burned to ashes. Jazz still has the backup stored in his memory frame. I'm still waiting for a bucket of gasoline to fall on my head and Ironhide to "mistake" me for a worthy target. It's still funny to remember, however...that there are two I's (InfernoxIronhide) and two S's (Sinfully Seductive) in kissing.

**J**azz-in-a-box

I honestly had this one coming. I mean, really...with Christmas around the corner and _Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer_, I should've expected it. But when your guardian pops out of a box labeled: _Ain_'_t Ah Asexy_..._?_ with miseltoe on his head...I crossed my arms on New Years, played _Can_'_t Touch This _by MC Hammer, and glared at Jazz and Prowl from inside the brig, wrapped up all pretty in yellow caution tape. I still don't know who won that round.

**K**itty **K**nockout wants a Playmate

It's really none of my business what others do in their spare time, but when I got "abandoned" in the decepticon medbay during a special ops mission with Jazz, I considered asking Ratchet to examine First Aid's processor for glitches even though he was already being throughly examined by a kitty Knockout. Jazz played the recording when Optimus asked him for a "full report." What he got was an audio full of a whiny First Aid and a purring Knockout. Prowl stared at Jazz in shock when Optimus glitched. _Are you glitched? Why would you play that tape of us in front of Prime? _Oh how I wished that humans could glitch.

**L**urky (Turkey) **L**aserbeak

Since Soundwave was already a part of the prank war and he was Blaster's bondmate, I pulled some strings for Thanksgiving. Usually some prankster replaces the dead turkey with a live one...I did one better. When Epps popped open the lid, out popped Laserbeak. He didn't break anything, so I'm thankful for that. I found the whole thing hilarious until Sunstreaker tried to pin Laserbeak down with a pitch fork. I found a note on my bed after clean up duty.

_Warning_:_ If you try to eat him again, the hunter is going to become the hunted_.

Suddenly, I wasn't so afraid of Inferno and Ironhide anymore.

~0~

**Author's Note:** Meza wanna kitty Knockout. *Pout*

OTP = KnockoutxFirst Aid


	3. M-O

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Transformers_ (2007) or _Transformers_: _Generation 1_.

~0~

**M**egatron sends a Text

For all those humans out there, please listen to this message. Never leave your cell phone on a decepticon base. If you do, the decepticon leader will use it as a vibrator.

...

I'm not joking.

...

Stop laughing!

...

You know what? Fine. Go ahead and laugh. All the other bots and humans on base already have...Even Prowl. Yeah, that's right, I saw you laughing you lousy excuse for a ninja! If you read this later, guess what? The Pit is going to look friendly after I'm through with you!

...

"Blasta mah main mech, we've got an issue."

"If there's an issue, ain't Prowl overdue? What went down? Have ya seen Lil around?"

"Prowl_ is _the issue, mech. An', no, Ah haven't."

...

Blaster grinned. "Hey Prowl, having fun hanging around? Do ya need help getting to the ground?"

Prowl glared at him from the ceiling where he was hanging from a cord like a pinata, covered in blue feathers. "_What do you think?_"

**N**ever Shoot the Messenger

I had one request and one request only. "Stop doing the dirty with my phone!"

But did he? Nooo.

One would think it would be simple. One would think that the message wouldn't even be required. You wouldn't think that I would have to say it! I shouldn't have to say it, but Mister Megawatz-for-brains (damage) wouldn't leave my phone alone!

He keeps sending pictures to Optimus through my phone and it is driving me up the wall!

Take Prime as many times as you want but leave my phone out of it, Megacreep!

I got Ironhide to infiltrate the Nemesis. He came back covered in red paint with a text message on his windshield, showing the love that Megatron had for the autobots. "I'm not going to survive another astrosecond, am I?" Ironhide charged his cannons. I sighed. "Guess not."

**O**ptimus sends a Text

Prime said he would deal with the issue. You know what I learned from letting Prime deal with a sexting issue? _Never_ let Prime deal with a sexting issue! "Oh yeeeeessss..." Oh God-shield my eyes! Prime got the phone back at the cost of my innocence. Here's the down low. "Oh yeeesss" every paragraph, "ugh" in every sentence, and, last but certainly not shocking in the least, "Bumblebee." I am now scarred for life. Thank you Unicron for the _lovely image _of Megatron and Bumblebee _hooking up_. I owe you _a world of pain! _What the fjdbldg holy mother of Primus!

Prime never heard me curse so colorfully.

Megatron has ate rainbow flavored pixie dust with the rest of the decepticreeps.

Jazz has deleted the option for speech to be converted into text for my phone.

I still don't use it.

...

Prime does.

...

(See you tonight?)

(Always Prime.)

(Will you bring Bumblebee?)** : 3**

**: /**

(I'll play nice.) **; )**

(He's _mine_, Megatron.)

(Then why'd you bring him last time?)

Again, some things_ really _don't need to become common knowledge.


	4. P-R

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Transformers_ (2007) or _Transformers: Generation 1_.

The following songs were used in this chapter:

Pappara by Ananthu/Aalaap Raju/Priya Subramaniam

Sweet Little Bumblebee by Bambi

S.O.S by Rihanna

Pika Girl by S3RL

Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson

~0~

**P**appara **P**ellets

Out of all of the things that I hate to do unless forced is dancing, and pretty much all of the bots on base know this...But out of all the pranks, I didn't expect Ironhide to pull a stunt using music. I expected him to blow up something in my presense or for me to wake up in his shooting range.

Well, Ironhide didn't disapoint...in terms of explosions. I woke up normally, dressing in my Bumblebee inspired hoodie with cut-off sleeves, black, skin tight jeans, and yellow converse. I wasn't planning on pranking Bumblebee, I just thought he would like the clone attire. I was told to meet Ironhide on the training field when I got to the rec room. Blurr dropped me off before zooming off, most likely not wanting to get blown up.

The sight before me was most peculiar. Sam had a camera set up on a _huge_ tripod. I'm talking man-on-stilts huge. I stared at it, mouth open. Ironhide was holding Sam in his servo while Sam adjusted the camera settings. Sam held up a finger, indicating for me to wait. "Be right with you, Lil. I've just got to...Ah! There!" He straightened his back and gave himself a job well done by dusting his hands off and nodding his head. "Perfect."

"You couldn't do that on the ground?" Ironhide grumbled.

"I didn't _think of it _on the ground," Sam replied sweetly.

Ironhide snorted. "Well, _next time _maybe you _should_-"

"Guys, um..." I pointed at the massive tripod frantically, going slightly crazy. "Giant tripod. Explanation required before blondy goes crazy."

Ironhide set Sam on the ground. Sam smiled. I blinked. _I'm dead, aren't I? _"So, Lil...want to be in a music video?"

"_Me?_" I replied indictantly. "Why me? You know I can't dance for my life."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Lil. Your dancing is-" I raised an eyebrow. "Okay, so your my only option."

"I doubt that. Isn't Jazz-?"

"My only _human_ option."

"Mikaela?"

"Too busy. Says Ratchet."

"Leo?"

"Still getting over his electro-madness marathon with Jolt."

"Miles?"

"Washing his dog."

"Lennox?"

"Has a kid to watch."

"Epps?"

He snorted. "He said our song choice was too girly, which I digress."

I pursed my lips. "What's the song?"

"Bee?"

_:You're my pika girl in a poke world_

_Just like a pokemon:_

I raised both eyebrows as I looked down at my outfit. _This cannot be a coincidence_.

He raised an eyebrow once I looked back at him. "Look, will you do it or not? I'll force Ironhide to be in it if I have to."

"Like you could force me to do anything."

Sam smirked and pointed at Bee. "Don't tempt me. I could have Bee sting you."

Ironhide snorted. "Barks worse than his bite."

I raised my hands when Bumblebee's engine growled. "Alright, I'll be in it...if only to stop another war before it happens."

Sam grinned. "Great. Now-"

Bumblebee's holoform threw Sam a hat while Sam threw him his jacket. Sam put on the hat before looking up at Ironhide. "When I say so, press play."

"Yeah, yeah."

I blinked at Sam as he dragged me ten yards north. "Are you supposed to be Ash?"

"Yup. Like it?"

"It's new," I said after thinking about it. "New is...good." _If you're a pokemon geek_. Sam taught me a few basic dance moves, which Ironhide smiled at (hey, ironhead, if it's so funny, you try it!), before nodding with his hands on his hips. "Good. After a few verses, I'm going to step out. Try to act like nothing is happening when I get behind the camera again. Oh...and don't be alarmed by the special effects."

My eyes went wide. Ironhide plus special effects did not bode well with my long lifespan plan. "Um...what did you say this was for, again?"

"Aaaand, action!"

_:I wish that we were on TV_

_Just like a pokemon_

_You'd be a pika-girl in a poke world_

_Yes, life would be so fun_

_I'd be a trainer boy, and I would make the choice_

_To go and search for you:_

I glanced at Sam strangely when he suddenly stepped out of the frame and ran behind the camera. It seemed like a strange time to leave. What's the point of searching for your 'pika girl' if she's right next to you? I found out five seconds later, when Ironhide rolled what seemed like hundreds of exploding pellets into the frame...directly below me.

_:I'd throw my pokeball, and I would catch them all_

_You'd be my Pikachu_

_P-Pikachu!:_

'You are evil', was what I wanted to think. However, I could only think, _Oh. Scrap. Exploding. Pellets. Must. Not. Have. Feet. Blown. Off. Scraaaaaaaaaa_-

When Ironhide started playing his own selection of music...I could only jump around like a skipping-bumbledeer on crack. At the moment, I was too concerned with the possibility of my feet blowing up to be amused. Looking at it afterward, however, it was _very_ amusing...considering the original song Ironhide used. If he used any song, I expected him to use something...I don't know, _manly? _Something dark-something about explosions-_Anything_ but what he actually picked. Pappara. You know, that fast-paced, high-energy song that only anime fans know about? He played that while I 'danced', and I had to admit that my jumping "freestyle" fit perfectly. When he switched songs, I really hated them. All of them to the pit they will go after this show.

_:You know...I never felt like this before.:_

No flippin' way!

_:Feels, like...so real.:_

I flailed. Yes, this is f-ing real! Get me out of here!

_:I'm obsessive when just one thought of you comes up:_

Why the matrix is Ironhide obsessed with explosives?

_:And I'm aggressive just one thought of you close enough:_

I. Will. Kill. You!

_:You got me stressing, incessantly pressing the issue:_

Damn this prank.

_:'Cause every moment gone you know I miss you:_

Like I miss Sonya's cooking.

_:Just hold me close boy 'cause I'm your tiny dancer:_

Damn straight. You may as well have me on strings.

_:You make me shaken up, never mistaken:_

This is crazy!

_:But I can't control myself, got me calling out for help:_

Yes, rescue me! Rescue me! Anyone!

_:S.O.S. please someone help me_

_It's not healthy for me to feel this way_

_Y.O.U are making this hard_

_I can't take it, see it don't feel right:_

I swear my feet just went numb. Seriously, 'Hide, enough with the pellets! You have to run out at some point!

_:Just your presense and I second guess my sanity_

_Yes it's a lesson, it's unfair, you stole my vanity_

_My tummy's up in knots so when I see you I get so hot_

_My common sense is out the door, can't seem to find the lock_

_Take on me, you know inside you feel it right_

_Take me on, I'm put desire up in your arms tonight_

_Take me on, I could just die up in your arms tonight_

_I'm out with you, you got me head over heels_

_Boy you keep me hanging on the way you make me feel_

_Boy, you know you got me feeling open_

_And boy, your love's enough with words unspoken_

_I said, boy, I'm telling you_

_I don't know what to do it's true_

_I'm going crazy over you_

_I'm begging: _

I reached out toward Bee since I was currently incapable of running toward him. "Bee! Help me out here!" Bee's holoform perked up like a kitten.

"Pika?" he asked.

"Yes, pika girl needs her pikachu!"

Ironhide laughed as Bee's holoform rolled into the shot. You know what he did once he was next to me? Nothing...If dancing can be considered nothing, which it totally can, considering that any debre went straight through his holoform while he 'danced.' It was totally unfair.

_:Sweet little bumblebee_

_I know what you want from me_

_Sweet little bumblebee_

_More than just a fantasy_

_My heart skips a beat_

_When you walk in the room_

_I go boom, boom, boom_

_You go zoom, zoom, zoom_

_You're my playboy, playtoy_

_Love you, my friend_

_I wanna be with you until the end_

_I give my heart and my soul to you_

_To make you see it's true_

_I'm so confused, baby, can't you see?_

_Please come rescue me:_

Bumblebee's alt mode rolled into the shot. I leaped, I kid you not, into the car through the window. I couldn't wait for him to open the door. Ironhide actually looked disapointed when the music stopped...until Bumblebee started playing it again.

_:You go boom, boom, boom_

_I go zoom, zoom, zoom:_

The engine growled as Bee rolled forward two yards.

_:I go boom, boom, boom_

_You go zoom, zoom, zoom:_

"Uh oh."

Ironhide instantly transformed and zoomed in circles around the giant tripod. After four laps, Ironhide sped cleanly across the frame. Bee dropped me off in the middle of it before continuing to chase him. Sam caught me before I fell, making it seem like it was on purpose.

_:You're my pika-girl in the poke world_

_Oh, I won the gym badge_

_But you won my heart_

_And now that I've got you_

_We can never part_

_Not even the Elite Four could stop us anymore_

_Together we can't fall_

_Our bond would never break_

_And there'd be no mistake_

_Our love will conquer all!_

_(Pi-Pikachu!):_

"P-Pika!" Bee broadcast.

"Urgh!" Ironhide screamed.

**Q**uest for **Q**uizila

Request: Name every digit in PI and calibrate the last number in PI.

Q: How many digits is PI, what is the last number in PI, why do humans have a PI day with actual pie and why are you still sitting here?

A: 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375 10582097494459230781 6406286-

I smirked. Q: How long does it take for Rewind to glitch when you give him the impossible solution?

A: One minute.

Retaliation:

Q: How many pies does it take to cover a human of _xx-yy-zz _proportions?

A: Thirty.

Speculation:

Q: Blaster, why does Rewind know my measurements?

A: He's a pervert.

Q: Is tentacle love that addicting?

A: Don't worry, little lady. You'll feel the love when push come to shove.

*Clank*

**R**aoul Ravioli

I swear to Primus it wasn't supposed to be him. Hell, Raoul and Tracks weren't supposed to be in the same state! The prank was meant for Steeljaw. I figured that he couldn't help but come investigate the smell of ravioli, but then...he snuck up behind me and I kind of...let go of the string.

"Hey, what gives?"

"This is _hardly_ an appropriate welcome reception."

"Your telling me."

Who do I spill it over? Tracks. The autobot who _never_ gets involved in prank wars and hates when you mess with his paintjob. Raoul. The New Yorker that has _no trouble _beating up Megatron, let alone some punk ass thirty-five year old...who was suddenly dodging Raoul's own collection of wrenches.

_:Okay, I want everybody to clear the area right now!_

_As he came into the window (There's a sign in the window)_

_It was the sound of a crescendo (A crescendo Annie)_

_He came into her apartment (Dang Gone It-Baby!)_

_He left the bloodstains on the carpet (I don't know why!)_

_He could see she was unable (Dang Gone It-Baby!)_

_So she ran into the bedroom (I don't know why!)_

_She was struck down (Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!)_

_It was your doom-Annie! (Aaow!)_

_Annie are you okay_

_So, Annie are you okay_

_Are you okay Annie_

_Annie are you okay-:_

"Jazz?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Shut up."

_:You've been hit by_

_You've been struck by_

_A smooth criminal!:_


	5. Soundwave Scare

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Transformers: Generation 1_, _Transformers_ (2007) or _The Nightmare on Elm Street_.

~0~

**S**oundwave **S**care

There are times when I hate my pride. Unfortunately, most of the time, I forget why...until it's too late. It was Friday night. Sam and Bee took me out to a drive-in theater. Sam said it was to 'get me away from the base-prank slag.' When Bee played G.M.O (Girls night out), I couldn't say no.

Jazz was oddly...concerned about me going. Normally, he'd be thrilled. 'A drive in theater? swe-et! Mind if I tag along?' Instead, he scowled and said, "Are ya sure ya wanna see that flick?" I asked him if there was a specific problem that he had with the movie. He shrugged. "Ain't nothing wrong with it, jus'...Don' ya wanna see somethin'...I dunno, lighter?" I raised both eyebrows. It wasn't like him to critisize something he would normally consider as part of human 'pop' culture. "I'm jus' concerned about the aftermath, Lil."

I snorted. "I'll be fine, Jazz."

('I'll be fine'...Yeah, sure. That's what everyone says...before the ghosts pop out to say 'boo.'")

Prowl was a bit more optimistic...sort of. He asked what it was about. I got as far as 'haunted steel mill' before he turned a blind optic. Since horror films often went against logic to some people, I shrugged it off as Prowl thinking it useless entertainment...not knowing he had seen it with Jazz and Miles...which probably explained why Sam briefly complained about Miles being 'open to anything but horror' on the way to the theater. Had I known the truth...had I watched the trailer...had I known the ending...I wouldn't have gone and I wouldn't have given Soundwave the perfect opportunity to get back at me for putting Lazerbeak on a silver platter. While Bee and Sam chatted excitedly about the movie on the way back to base, I curled up in the backseat. Once again, I had too much pride to tell Bee in the middle of the film that I wanted to go home. If I didn't watch the whole thing, I would've played the what-if game.

Well, Jazz was right to be worried about my psyche after the movie. My subconscious bumped the horror up a notch by leaving the autobots in the fate of Freddy's clawed hands. I knew it was karma biting me in the aft when I tried to wake Jazz and Prowl at midnight and couldn't.

When I gave up hope on my guardians, I left our quarters to find help. I began knocking on doors, pleading for anyone to wake up because I was being hunted down by the cons. Maybe it was the fact that the people that I had pranked were still bitter, but, whatever the reason, no one came to their doors. No one even yelled for me to 'frag off', as I expected from Cliffjumper, Gears and Huffer. Yes, I was that desperate. I grew more desperate by the second.

Eventually, the time came for me to knock on Prime's door. "Optimus, the 'Cons are trying to kill me. Optimus, please, open the door. Please, I-"

I wanted to say it. I so desperately wanted to say that I was scared. Terrified. But my pride wouldn't let me. Even when I seriously thought I was minutes, seconds, from being dragged to somewhere I sure as hell did not want to go, I could not say it. I shouldn't have had to. My voice. My blood pressure. The way my body was shaking...You can't fake that...Which is why, after hearing what I thought was Freddy's voice saying that he was going to get me (but was actually a pre-recording from the movie), I ran (tripping all the while from those blasted tentacle cables) to Medbay.

Honestly, I expected Ratchet. And even though I knew that, out of all the bots, he needed the most rest...I didn't care. I thought...At least in his groggy state of mind...if he gets the hellish threat, ghost, or demon (drone) to leave me alone with a wrench to the helm...I wouldn't said 'thank you very much' and left the scrapheap to its doom.

Instead, I got First Aid. I was so excited I literally leaped and attached myself to his ankle. Five minutes later, I did not let go. I was still shaking. After ten minutes of being inside the very well lit, neon orange med bay, I looked up at First Aid. The guy looked ready for the scrap heap. I didn't know if that was because I had a kung-fu ninja death grip on him or because he was just _that tired_. I considered both as I opened my mouth to apologize.

Instead, I started crying. To the pit with appearances-this was First Aid. The guy saw me get bruises from two fourteen year olds. I figured this was the next step. First Aid sighed at my tears as he picked me up. He leanned against a berth. "Lillian." He waited a minute. "_Lillian_." I looked up at his tone. "You are safe. You will stay with me for the night." I opened my mouth to say something. He lifted a digit, brushing a few of the tears away. "No arguments," he said in a tone that demanded respect. I nodded as I snuggled into his chest armor. The snuggle turned into another death grip when we entered the dark hallway. "Shh, I'm here. No one will harm you in my care." I was less than convinced. First Aid was a pacifist. What was he going to do, talk them to death?

Eventually, we reached First Aid's quarters. The first bot we ran into was Hot Spot. I couldn't tell if he was analyzing me or considering throwing me out as a trespasser into his happy home. "Just for the night," First Aid promised.

Hot Spot looked at me. "Youngling."

I released my grip on First Aid. I turned to his leader, wiping the tears away. "Sir?"

He smiled. "Would you be adverse to a cuddle session with us, youngling?"

The question made me feel uneasy. Even with my terror, I began to feel guilt. "Sir, I...That's...not-"

"Don't you give him that." First Aid lifted me so we were visor to optic. "Your scared. My gestalt is available for comfort. _You are _staying."

My shaking increased slightly. I wasn't sure if I was more afraid of Freddy or a tired First Aid.

Hot Spot placed a servo on First Aid's shoulder to calm him down. "The choice is yours, miss Wescott. I ask again-would you be adverse to a cuddle session with my gestalt?"

I sniffled, looking into his blue optics. "No, sir."

"First time for everything," Blades said encouragingly. First Aid slowly handed me over to Blades. "I'm not gonna_ throw _the human," Blades grumbled at First Aid's warning. "You must've been real freaked, youngling. The only time Aid brings someone home is if they need-"

"Hush!" First Aid snarled as he smacked Blades on the helm.

Blades and I looked at him in mild shock before saying, in unison, "sorry."

Blades looked at me funny. "What are you apologizing for, youngling?"

"It's a habit," First Aid mumbled as he laid against the back of a berth with Hot Spot next to him. "A _bad_ habit."

I winced when his visor flashed. "So-"

Steetwise covered my mouth with a digit. "Best not to anger him more," Streetwise said in vague amusement.

"Let's just follow through on the command before he goes berserk on_ all _of our afts," Groove said.

"I heard that," said First Aid.

Streetwise chuckled. Groove smiled. Blade's grunted in amusement. I smiled at Blade's. He reminded me of Ironhide...if Ironhide was a flyer. Streetwise, Groove and Blade's snuggled me between them. For a while, it was almost...peaceful. That peace was quickly disrupted when the door to First Aid's quarters was broken open with a grenade. I was practically tossed to First Aid in all of the confusion to 'man battle stations.' "_Lower your weapons! _I said _lower _them, Blades, don't fight with me!" Hot Spot stood in front of his gestalt in a protective stance. "What business have you in_ my _quarters? Explain yourself!"

The intruder grunted. "I heard _my friend _yelling for help, hot-head. Got a problem?"

"As a matter of fact-"

"'Hide?" I snuck a look through First Aid's digits. I popped up immediately when I knew it was him. "Ironhide!" Hot Spot scowled at me. I ducked down again, head just barely peeking First Aid's digits.

"Lillian?" Ironhide growled at Hot Spot. "You_ best _get your servo off my armor before we have a problem."

"Lillian is a guest in_ my _quarters. You will not pass without her permission."

"What? Her saying my name not enough for you?" Ironhide grumbled.

Hot Spot ignored him. He turned to me. "Lillian Wescott." He waited until my torso was visible in First Aid's servos. "Do you wish to speak to this gremlin?"

"_What _did you just call me?"

"Do you?"

I nodded and held out my hands to Ironhide. "Can I...?"

Hot Spot stepped aside. Ironhide passed him, cannons subspaced, and gently took me from First Aid. I hugged the side of his face. "What happened, kid?"

I cleared my throat. "Freddy..." I looked away, now embarrassed that I let a stupid movie get to me. "He...just gave me...a little fright. I'm-" I cowered at First Aid's flashing visor of death. "Still worse for wear," I mumbled.

Ironhide lifted a digit to my burning cheeks. "Who is this 'Freddy', where do I find him, and how would you prefer his death?"

I giggled weakly. _Ironhide. Always reliable._

Hot Spot smiled at my amusement. "Ironhide." Ironhide looked up. "The youngling only had a nightmare."

His optic coverings shuttered. "Oh...You okay, kid?"

I barked a laugh. Ironhide raised an optic ridge. "Your the one who broke down the damn door." My voice cracked when I swore. Ironhide looked at First Aid. "I'm going to take her outside. Seeing the day break will ease her processor." First Aid shifted. "Get some sleep, First Aid. I'll take over."

"But-"

"No buts," Hot Spot said as he passed Ironhide. He placed his arm around First Aid's shoulders, silently communicating with him through their bond. First Aid sighed, but by the way he was snuggling against his leader...I doubt he truly minded...much...Afterall, I was in good hands with Ironhide. Hot Spot looked up and nodded. "Go."

Ironhide quirked a smile. "Sorry about the door. It'll be fixed by the end of the cycle."

Hot Spot smiled. "I'll hold you to that."

Ironhide gave him a casual two digit salute before leaving.

Two hours later, I heard voices...non-threatening ones this time (if you don't count Ironhide saying that he had 'half a processor' to shoot my guardians in a place they really didn't want to be shot). I rolled over, grumbling at the transfer of servos. "No mo' talkin'. Snuggles."

Jazz chuckled. "One order of snuggles coming right up."

**::Jazz-::** Prowl protested.

**::Sh. Our girl's tired. We can interrogate and lecture her later.::**

The next day, horror movies were..._almost _banned from base. I almost had to beg on my hands and knees to change Prowl's mind. The prank war also almost ended. Were it not for two bots who knew the truth, it would have.


	6. Post SS

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Transformers_: _Generation 1_.

**Warning:** Implied Red AlertxRed Alert 2.0 (AKA Lillian Wescott).

Soundwave's prank made me re-think the pranking process. Bots were on edge waiting for the next one, but it wasn't necessary. I wasn't planning on making another one. Pranking, it was fun...Even though I had not been hurt, the blow to my pride was enough to sink my parade in the humbling river. Part of me considered my attitude as hypocritical. 'What, you were pranking people the whole time and didn't think that there would be repricussions?'

No one asked me how I was going to get Soundwave back for pranking me because, presumably, save for maybe Prowl, Jazz, Ironhide, First Aid and his gesault...No one knew. No one knew why the prank war had come to a shrieking halt. It was, technically, my move, and since I wasn't doing anything...After a week, I guess bots just assumed it was over. In the back of my mind, however, I knew it wasn't. It couldn't just _end_ like this-with me in a funk and everyone scratching their helms. I practically asked for a prank war; I certainly invited it inside. Now, instead of ending with fireworks, it ends with my pride in the closet with a heavy lack-luster vibe. There would be no more explosions. No more music videos. No more boogie men under anyone's beds. I shivered at the last one, blushing profusely. _Or Cons_.

Some of the bots asked me what was up. I shrugged and said, 'just one of those emotional funks. I'll get over it.' They left it alone after that.

The humans, on the other hand, couldn't let bigons be bigons. Raoul and Leo left me alone after I said 'monthy menstruel cycle. Ride it out.' Sam and Mikaela were less than convinced. Mikaela tried to get me to take a girls night out. I declined after 'thinking it over' for a full minute. A girls night out in my mind either equaled no sleeping, gossiping, and playing truth or dare...or going to a bar. Neither appealed to me. Plus I really didn't want to get hit in the head for declining after a nano-second pause.

Sam was a bit more intuitive. "Are you-?"

"Yes."

"Did the movie-?"

"No."

"It's okay if it did. It was pretty crude-"

"Sam-"

"Was it Bee and me talking on the way back? If we pushed too hard for you to-"

"Sam!" I shouted before wincing at his expression. "Just...leave it...Please."

He sighed. "Just trying to help," he grumbled as he walked off.

I still felt guilty as hell for yelling at him. But, still, I couldn't...

"Lillian?"

Just...

"Lillian Wescott?"

Leave it...

"What?" I snapped. As I was brought out of my daydream, I looked up. "Oh. Inferno. I was just...thinking." I winced at my voice. _Damn I'm weak_. "Did you want something?"

"You, actually." I stared at him as he laid down a hand. "Care for a ride?"

I jumped on. "Am I in trouble?"

He smiled. "Not at all. I'm surprised you would come to that conclusion."

"I'm not." I blinked at Red Alert. He was crossing his arms, tapping his foot, and...smirking?_ I'm dead, aren't I? _"You."

I looked around frantically as he pointed at me. "Um...me?"

"Yes, you. You who is always in trouble."

SC snorted. _I am not always in trouble. I am usually always insane, though..._

_Gee, thanks_, I said.

"Did you want me, Red Alert?"

"Would I have my mate drag you to my office if I didn't?"

"No."

"Then why are you asking obvious questions?"

"Because I can."

"Snappy, aren't we?"

_You'd be too if you were scared to hell and back_. "Paranoid, aren't we?"

"That appears on who you're asking." He leanned against his desk. "It is also counter intuitive, given that miss Red Alert 2.0 is also in my office. So, miss Wescott, to which am I referring-?"

"Red, cut the scrap. Tell me what you want so I can leave."

"You mean so you can sulk."

"Mope."

"Same thing."

_Ha!_ SC cheered.

_Oh shut up_. "Red," I growled. "What. Do. You. Want?"

"I want you to stop being an idiot."

"I beg your pardon?"

"_I said_-"

"I fragging heard what you said, scrap heap."

"Then why are you asking obvious questions?"

"Because you're ticking me off!"

"Why?"

"Because you are deliberately being annoying."

"Why?"

"What slagging bot is unaware of his own motives? Go see a shrink and ask."

"Why?"

I glared daggers at his smirk. "Is that all you can say?"

"Of course not. I am simply deliberately being annoying."

"Why?" I asked before facepalming. _Primus, spin it around why don't you?_

Red Alert chuckled as he held out his palm. Inferno dropped me into it. Red Alert brought me up so we were eye to optic. "Because I consider you one of my friends and I am concerned for your well being."

I stared at him and said slowly, "No, seriously. I asked for Red Alert's opinion on why he is being annoying, not Ratchet's."

Red surprised me by snorting. "Well I certainly never expected to be compared to Ratchet with a hatchet...nor your brother from another mother."

I blinked, jaw slightly agape. "Um..."

Red Alert waved his bondmate down to the floor next to him. "Come on, doll face. It's just us girls. You know you can tell me _anything_. Not like I don't know _everything_ about you, considering..._well_-" He winked. "You know _the drill_, hun."

"Oh. God." I fake hurled. "Never say that again in _that voice_. That's creepier than Sound-" I froze. _Scrap_.

He smiled, sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. He shuttered his optic coverings, the equivalent of batting his eyelashes if he had any. "Creepier than sound...?"

"Um...a bat. You know those things are really creepy with their wings and fangs and sonar through caves-"

"Sonar."

"Yes."

"You jump from sound to bats to sonar."

I withered. "Well, yeah, I-"

"Yes." I blinked at him. He winked. "Yes. Say yes, hun. I swear I'll do _anything_ for an A-"

"Gah! Okay, okay! I'll spill, just, stop talking like you want to rape me as a femme!"

"Thank Primus." Inferno gave him a look. "I mean...Spill what, hun? _What?_" Red looked at Inferno indignantly. "Your asking me to come up with sexual innuendos while insinuating _what? _As if I'm seriously going to say what she can spill! Watch your mouth, mister! I've got censors and I know where to place them!"

I snorted, covering my mouth. _Oh Primus, Red, don't try to fix it_.

"Red," Inferno rumbled calmly. "I wouldn't-"

"No you wouldn't! It's not easy being a pretty lamborghini! You try it and see how you like it! I get compared with the Twins. _The Twins! _If you think what they get into is bad, well, let me tell you-"

_Wow. He's really getting worked up about this_. "Red? Red!" He looked at me, still fritzing with blue sparks. I put a finger to my lips, smirking. "Anything for an A, huh?"

Red Alert crashed. Inferno looked at me like I had killed his dalmation. "What? I couldn't resist...and you had to see that coming! You waved the bacon in my face! You can't expect me not to bite it! Uh..." I watched as his expression slowly changed from shock to angry. "I'll just...leave you to it." I took off running, bad mood gone.


	7. T-V

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Transformers_ (2007), _Transformers: Generation 1_, _Glee_, or the song _Get Lucky _by Daft Punk.

~0~

**T**ouchy Subject

If you want to die, go ahead. I won't stop you. I will kill you if you decide to touch me, though...

Okay, not really. I lied. Ha...ha...

Prime didn't find it so funny when he tried to help me up once and Blaster blasted:

_**:Don**_**'**_**t **__**touch me!: **_Prime blinked. _**:That is a law suit, mister! I**_**. **_**Will**_**. **_**Sue**_**. **_**Your**_**. **_**Aft!:**_

Prowl sent Blaster to the brig.

I snuck him energon cookies and many, many hugs.

Jazz plays the recording now everytime some bot tries to touch me.

I wonder why no one thought of this sooner.

**U** Light my Fire

Jazz and Prowl insisted on buying me a motorcycle so I wouldn't have to ride my 'ancient' bicycle that was 'falling apart as they speak.' Even when Sunstreaker said the chipped paint was an eyesore, I couldn't give it up. I bought that bike with well-earned money. No way was I giving it up.

Well, it turned out that Inferno agreed with me needing an upgrade. When I went to ride it, I found Inferno putting out the flames on it. When I distracted him by protesting that 'my ride was not, and never will be, a soggy mess', he aimed at me, covering me with foam. I wiped the foam out of my face to glare at him. "Explain."

"You-"

"_Not me_. _My bike_. What happened to my bike?"

"It was on fire."

"_Why_ was it on fire?"

"Wheeljack tried to upgrade it-"

I held up my hand before brushing it through my hair, lazily getting the foam out of it. "Whatever. Let me see the damage."

When I wiped the foam away, my jaw dropped. "What...the frag...? This..."

Inferno smiled. "Do you like it?"

"I..." It wasn't my bike. It was the same frame, but it was completely re-vamped. It was orange with yellow and red flames. Aside from the gorgeous paint job, the bots had their signatures in fancy black lettering all over it. Most of them required a magnifying glass, but some of the most obvious ones were Jazz and Prowl, whose signatures ran along the top tube. Sunstreaker had his signature in a yellow flame. Sideswipe was in a red flame right next to his twin. Ratchet, First Aid and Mikaela were on the seat tube. Ironhide and Wheeljack were on the chain stays. Bumblebee and Sam were on the seat stays. Miles was on the head tube. The signature that really had me almost crying was Optimus Prime's, whose signature was on the stem length. Then, of course, Inferno had his name in big block letters were the bike logo used to be on the down tube. Red Alert had his own tiny signature under Inferno's. "I..." I hugged his ankle. "I'm grateful." He patted my head like a puppy. I pulled away, smirking. "Can I ride it, or will Sunstreaker kill me for messing up the paint job?"

"Sunstreaker didn't paint it. We bought it to a body shop and had some humans paint it." He winked. "The humans won't reprimand you for it, since they know where you'll be riding it. The owner did suggest you at least wipe it down once a week."

I smiled. "Can you help me with the first wash?" I raised an eyebrow at the foam. "It's only fair...considering you put out the fire on this beauty."

He chuckled. "No problem." He washed away the foam...and me...with water. "Nice and cold now, huh?"

"Uh h-h-h-h-huh." He threw me a towel. I dried my hair before patting the bike down. When I was done, I looked up at Inferno. "Hey, Inferno?"

"Yeah?"

I raised my arms towards him. He lifted me up to his shoulder. I kissed his cheek before wiping away the mark the chap stick left and hanging the towel to dry on one of his head fins. "Thanks." I giggled. "Your a pretty good drying rack."

"Got a nice rack yourself, Lillian."

I shook my head, smiling. "Okay, even I have to admit that was a good comeback." I gave a thumps up at the nearest camera while squinting, pretending to be checking out the invisible sun. "Then again, your pretty good in general, aren't you?"

"Now whose flattering?"

"Hey, your the one who got me a hot ride."

"Don't you already have one?"

I hummed as I lowered my arm. I winked at the camera. "Don't you?"

He drapped the used towel over my head. "Don't push your luck."

_:The present has no ribbon_

_Your gift keeps on giving_

_If you wanna leave I'm ready_

_Like the legend of the phoenix_

_All ends with beginnings_

_What keeps the planet spinning_

_The force of love beginning_

_We've come too far to give up who we are_

_So let's raise the bar and our cups to the stars_

_She's up all night 'til the sun_

_She's up all night for good fun_

_We're up all night to get lucky:_

I snorted. "Okay, fair enough." He lowered me to the ground. I grabbed the handlebars as I looked up at Inferno, smiling. "See you around?"

He smiled. "Where there's smoke-"

"There's bound to be an Inferno."

**V**enus are Woman, Mars are Men

I knew that Smokescreen would come after me for placing him in the same room as Ironhide and Inferno. But the way he went about it was slightly below the belt in my opinion. I knew he would try some psychologist mumbo-jumbo on me, but giving _me_ advice on _my_ relationship with Prowl and Jazz and Miles...? Yeah, that's low. It was also very boring. He went for all the classics...

"How can a relationship coexist between a femme from Earth and mechs from Cybertronian? Well, I'll tell you...You see, Lillian, our mechs are like...energy fields..._Your_ kind are similar to soundwaves...In order to motivate Prowl, you must leave him be-" _No, you must either tear down the door Ironhide style or sneak in, blindfold him, and...Basically, do anything that Jazz would. _"You must learn Cybertronian. Think of it as a balance-The circle of life, if you will. Your mates have taken the time to learn your language. Wouldn't it only be fair of you to return the favor...?" _Yeah...Smokes, you _do_ realize that I can't replicate Cybertronian vocally even if I tried because humans vocal cords don't work like yours do...? _"Now, there are a fair number of ways to score points with your mates-" _And you would know _how_...? You haven't exactly dated anyone in centuries...At least, you haven't if Jazz's intel is right, and Jazz is _always right. "I realize that your kind is very physical, but you need to allow your mates to _breath_-" _Smokes, you are the worst psychologist ever. _They_ do the talking. _I_ listen. _They_ cuddle. _I_ tolerate it. And Cybertronians don't need to breathe! Humans do! _"Now, before I let you go, I wish to give you a present."

"Smokescreen, you didn't have to..." _Really. You really didn't. _

He smirked. "Oh, but I _insist_. In order to keep the peace between a Cybertronian and organic, one must cross over to the other side once in a while. Therefore, I would like to present you with these." He placed a box in front of me. "You don't have to look at it now. And you don't have to thank me later. I know how _shy_ your kind is regarding personal matters."_ Really? Is that why you spent the past _two hours _talking at me about _my _personal relationship with _your _boss? _

"Oh, and I imagine that _these_ will help _immensely_ with your _mid-life crisis_..."

My raised my eyebrows at that. _Oooh no. He did _not _just suggest that I'm old enough to be having a mid-life crisis_.

I handed the books to Miles, the toys to Jazz and the hand cuffs to Prowl.

"Hey, Prowl," I purred as I splayed out on a datapad he was working on. "You know what I would _love_...? These hand cuffs...You _know_ they're only good for one thing, right...?"

He raised an optic ridge. "I believe so. Lillian..."

"Yes," I purred.

"Get off my desk."

I pouted. "That's no way to treat your beautiful, blond, _exposed_ mate."

"Lilly, you are wearing a dress. I would hardly consider that exposed."

"A deep-v dress. And you _know_ I don't wear a dress for _nothing_." I stuck out my lip further. "Pleeease...? I'll get off," I sang.

He sighed. "Fine."

I flipped my hair back as I sashayed off his desk. When the door to his office closed behind me, I put my hair back in a ponytail. Jazz threw a light gray trenchcoat over my shoulders. "What now, babe?"

I smiled, winking. "Now we wait."

...

I waited in the hallway outside Smokescreen's office until...he cursed.

"_Why am I handcuffed to my desk? _And how did _these_ get here?" He groaned. "This is going to take _months!_"

"Thank you, Prowly n' Jazzy," I giggled.

Miles grinned. "Want to see how the Law's doing?"

"How about we go read instead?"

"Ratchet's office?"

"Oh yeah."

"Got Ironhide guarding the joint?"

I placed my arm over his shoulders. "Miles, you read my mind."

...

"Jazz, where are my datapads?"

"Heh, see, the thing is..."


End file.
